TMI Tuesday #1

"Ummm, it's Thursday you idiot."

Yes, but I already had a post on Tuesday and I wanted to do this TMI. I will try to do some regular postings, including TMIs and perhaps HNTs. So here is a belated TMI for this week.

1. How many speeding tickets have you had? Accidents?

Had a few speeding tickets, but none that I can recall in the past 15 years or so. Have had several accidents. I was at fault for 3 of them.

2. Boxers, briefs or commando?

Briefs or boxer briefs. I bike and have largish thighs - boxers don't work well, and I like a little support for my junk.

3. Have you ever had sex in your office or your place of employment?

Never. I groped Christine there and came close to fingering her. My office is about the least sexy place you could imagine, so the thought of doing so is not interesting.

4. Do you or your SO own a motorcycle? Do you ever ride one? Do you wear a helmet when you ride?

No. Yes, I used to ride one (a crotch rocket). Hence the speeding ticket comment above. Always wore a helmet.

5. Ever been skinny dipping?

Yes, but can't recall specifically when or where. Several times in my teens.

Bonus: Ever been arrested? Turned someone in/had someone arrested?

Yes. It was years ago when I was a teenager and in my deliquent phase. Fortunately those records are gone. I have never had somenone arrested, but am hoping to do that soon.

Moving forward II (with details)

In reading other's blogs I've come to realize how long it's been since I've written about sex. I've been on the same theme for far too long and need a break, and you likely want to read something different. I mentioned some sex in my last post, but I glossed over it.

So the bottom line is that it's hard for me to not get hard when I have physical contact with Student. When we are discussing her history there is no issue - it's just not going to happen. But if I'm comforting her just being a friend it doesn't take much to wake up Little Andy. So there I was with her in bed, talking and spooning her, and hard. I'd been ignoring it - walking away, hiding it, turning around, and using all the other tricks we have to hide erections.

But this time I didn't. I know she has wanted it badly from me. Besides the sex and intimacy, I think she also craves the distraction. She completely throws herself into it during sex and goes to another place. Everything else fades away. And I understand why she wants and needs to do this.

After some initial playing around on the bed, clothes were quickly removed. I slid up behind her, lubed myself just a little with saliva, and slid into her with one thrust. She felt fantastic, as usual. I started by just fucking her slowly, then went deeper and harder. It was not long before she was having her first organism. Nothing spectacular, but quite robust.

I fucked her for a while in this position. One of the things I love about spooning Student when I fuck her is the easy access to her long hair - it's right there in front of me, just asking to be pulled. So I gave it a good tug and the orgasms came even more easily. After several of those, always screaming when there is hair pulling involved, I rolled on top of her, pulled one of her legs up to her chest, and fucked her hard. That was good for another 2 or 3 huge orgasms.

Student likes it every way, but she really enjoys being fucked hard. Student also really likes anal sex. I may have underestimated just how much - she may even prefer it. I rolled her back on to her side, got the lube, and slowly entered her. I think anal is all about feeling the response and knowing when it's ok to go deeper or faster. Like most women, she needs to start slowly. But once it's going there is no need to hold back. I went a little harder than normal and she loved it. She is the first woman I've been with who can regularly have organisms with no direct clitoral stimulation - she can cum just from anal sex, and she did. Several times.

I gave her some time to recover and fucked her with slow, lazy strokes for a while. Then I started up again a little faster, then a little harder. Then I added some hair pulling. I love the ritual of grabbing all her hair, getting it into a pony tail in my fist, and then wrapping it around my hand. She can tell when I'm going to pull it hard by the care I take to wrap it around my hand or wrist tightly. (I pull hard enough that I need to ensure it won't slip. I also have to take some care that I allow for circulation. I once pulled her hair so hard and so long my hand turned blue.)

After carefully wrapping her hair around my left hand, I placed my right hand on her hair just above the other one. Sometimes pulling with one hand is just not enough. I slowly pulled down and bent her head back as I increased my pace of fucking - the coordination of two is important. She loves getting fucked harder as her hair gets pulled harder. After her head was back as far as it would go, I kept pulling. Her back started to arch. After a few seconds I was pulling about as hard as I could and had increased my fucking to about my highest sustainable pace. I was just pounding her. After a few seconds I heard "Harder, baby..."

I was close to maxed out on both. I assumed she wanted me to fuck her harder rather than increase the tensions on her hair, and that's what I did. She went over the top in a matter of seconds. I let her recover and went again. And again. And again. Student never told me to stop, slow down, or that she needed a break. Eventually I got tired, a little sore, and needed a break myself. But she would have kept on going. She is a dynamo, particularly in bed.

This will almost certainly be the last time I write about sex with Student. While it is good, it's never going to be as special as it once was. And as I connect the dots more on our history, her personal behavior regarding sex with others (and me) does not meet my requirements for respect or safety. I don't judge those who have sex with several people concurrently, I just don't have sex with them. She knowingly put me at risk, which I find unacceptable and unforgivable. If we continued I have little doubt she would eventually wander and have sex with others again. She seems to sexualize every relationship she has with men, and some women. And I still feel like I'm taking advantage of her when we have sex.

She is not reacting well to not having sex - she's hurt and perhaps confused. She likes the comfort it offers, and I think she just really enjoys sex, as do I. So she's going to find a way to have some, and I need to let her do so. It may initially be painful to know that’s happening, but it's the right thing to do, and seems necessary to allow her to move on and start her life over.

So I'm done with women for a while. I have no prospects and am not looking. I would refuse any offers. I will continue to do what I can to help my beautiful Student get moving forward and on track. She has so much to offer, so much potential, so much to give others, her kids, and herself.

I think she needs to learn that much of the business of life is just living it - working hard and finding enjoyment, peace, and pleasure where we can, on our own terms. I need to regroup, get my life back in order, think about what kind of woman (or women) I want to date going forward.

Moving forward

I had a very frank dicussion with Student the other day. I've been walking on eggshells with her for several reasons. I mentioned timing before - it's not good. But it never will be. So I confronted her with everything. Surprisingly, I got absolutely no defense. She did not argue or deny. She did not try to lie or obfuscate her way out of it. She just admitted that most of what she's told me has been bullshit.

She offered neither explanations nor clarifications. I told her it's time to move on. She accepted this, but is still hoping there will be something between us. I told her flatly that even friendship will require honesty on her part. She just nodded.

She also told me that she realizes that she needs help. More manipulation? It's impossible for me to determine when she's lying. But she's at least now willing to acknowledge that she's damaged and needs some help, which was previously one of her biggest fears. The bottom line is that she's afraid that someone is going to have her committed or force her to do something agsinst her will. Her trust remains low, which I understand. We had a discussion about delusion vs. fantasy. I don't believe she's delusional, but she can certainly spin and act out a fantasy convincingly.

We'll see what happens. She's dragging her feet on taking legal action against the Evil One, and with good reason: it's not at all clear that this makes her safer. But I'm out of time - I can't wait around to be involved in the conclusion of this story. My own life is calling me back.

We had a talk this evening about her coming clean with me. She had too much to drink and I did not want her to spill her guts without realizing what she was doing. She also lapsed into a PTSD panic-state more than once during the coversation (p0ssibly an act?), which made talking difficult. I told her she could tell me another time. I'm curious to know what's really been going on, but I'm also afraid to find out. Most discovery with her is worse than I imagined, and I'm imagining some bad stuff. I just really don't want to know any more bad stuff, and she's warned me that it's all bad. Frankly, I'd prefer to have her tell one my readers and then have you tell me if I want to hear it or not.

After that coversation I had sex with her. I've been not having sex with her for good reason. But then I caved and did it. It was an hour long, two-fisted-hair-pulling, a dozen or so screaming orgasms kind of fuck. Apparently I'm not as respectable as I thought.

I was reading the New Yorker and came across this poem:

Here’s a fact: Some people want to live more

Than others do. Some can withstand any horror

While others will easily surrender

To thirst, hunger, and extremes of weather.

In Utah, one man carried another

Man on his back like a conjoined brother

And crossed twenty-five miles of desert

To safety. Can you imagine the hurt?

Do you think you could be that good and strong?

Yes, yes, you think, but you’re probably wrong.

This is not exactly about Student, but it's close.

And lastly, I suspect Student knows about this blog. I somehow left my laptop open and she caught part of a chat with one of my regular readers. There was nothing wrong with the chat, but this email address and several comments were visible. So I'm still considering going private. At this point I'm not sure it matters if she knows about or reads what I write.

Heartbreak Hotel

I crave the feeling of boredom I used to occasionally have. I want the mind-numbing distraction of watching a sitcom and not having to think about anything else for 30 minutes. I really need all the drama in my life to go away. It’s consuming me like a cancer – taking all the time and energy I can feed it. Student needs to move on. We’ll talk about being friends, and will be for a while.

But then she’ll find someone else to occupy her time, another distraction, another person like me whom she’ll entertain with the fascinating and terrible details of her life, and she’ll embellish or minimize where needed to make it more enticing. She’ll pull someone else in, and hope that this time it will work out. It likely won’t, but she’ll hope nonetheless.

The lying continues. When she tells me she won’t lie anymore, it is of course another lie. I know she’s been treated terribly – the evidence is there. I know she is a mom. I know she is a student. Those are the only things of which I am sure. Everything else is embellished, minimized, fabricated, or obfuscated to hide whatever reality lies beneath the artifical world she created for me. The one where she's monogomous, lives in a nice house, and earns a good living. Where the children have college funds and are spoiled rotten with too many toys and new clothes.

Where she lived, how she lived, money, cars, friends, associates – some of this might be real. But most of it is not. She's created an elaborate storyboard using a few scraps of reality, perhaps not even her own. I’ve quit asking questions. At this point I don't want to know and it just doesn’t matter. And given the bigger issues this seems irrelevant.

I need to get involved in politics again. To focus on my job. To spend time with my friends. To run and bike and work out. To go back to the lifestyle at which I worked hard to cultivate and sustain. To interact with a network of people I like, trust, respect. (I like Student well enough, but there is no trust whatsoever.) To get bored and surf the web. To write my own blog and read some of yours. To have “free” time. To not be scared for her every time she’s outside, and for myself.

Student does not seem to fit in any lifestyle. It's not just my own - I can’t mentally place her anywhere that seems right. There's a wall she won't tear down or even let me peek over. She’s clearly resilient and unbelievably brave. But where does she belong? What will she do? How will she live? What hobbies will she have? What kind of friends and acquaintances? Where will she end up?

I wish I could help her more. She is exhausted, stressed, scared, confused, and angry. I would do anything to get her healthy and keep her safe. Maybe she’s not ready. Maybe she is reluctant to take the steps needed. As much as I now crave that feeling of boredom I used to abhor, I fear that in a way she craves what she has left. Maybe she lived it for too many years. Maybe it’s too much a part of her. Maybe she’s hoping that this one time he means it when he says he won’t hurt her. I don’t know.

I’ve quit trying to figure out how she works, what makes her tick, or what she’s thinking. I’ve been hoping and expecting to crack her shell, but it’s not going to happen. And if I did, I’m afraid of what I’d find. I want to hold her tightly and tell her everything will be ok. And just as much I need to tell her it's time to move on. She's the most heartbreaking person I've ever known. She will remain an enigma to me forever.

I told The Wife about student. That went over even worse than expected. Not only is she moving rapidly for a divorce, she does not want to be friends. I'm hoping her attidude about being friends will change, but it may not.

Lost Opportunities

This is a post I've had partially written for months. I take this topic to mean lost opportunities for sex. I've had plenty - more than I can recall. I've had far more lost opportunities than sexual partners. And by opportunity I don't mean someone I wanted to have sex with, I mean a "hey, wanna fuck?" kind of offers that I turned down. Below are a few of my most memorable lost opportunities.

Lisa was my sister's friend growing up. She was a year older than me, and I had no idea that she would turn out to be such a stunning woman. To this day she remains one of the best looking women I've ever known. She was a true Los Angeles/New York 9. By the time she was 16 she had a great face and body porn stars would envy. Once past puberty she was always very flirty with me. One night when I was 15 she was sleeping over. I could not sleep and went out to the living room to read. About 5 minutes later out comes Lisa in her white panties and too-small t-shirt. She sat next to me and we talked, undressing each other visually. She threw her leg up on the sofa and started to rub my leg and butt with her foot while asking me very suggestive questions. I got up and went back to bed shortly thereafter. Reasons: extreme shyness, inexperience, lack of confidence, and now feeling like the stupidest person in the world.

Randi was my friend's sister. I met her in high school, and we're still friends today. She's two years older than me, and cutish. Not fantastic, but nice looking. She flirted with me incessantly, and I never really knew if she was serious or not. A couple of years after I met her she started coming on to me almost every time we were alone. I did not read women very well, and was also concerned about getting involved with my friend's sister. (I didn't realize at the time that she didn't want to get involved, she just wanted to fuck me.) She used to talk to me about sex. She was bi and loved 3-somes. She loved anal sex. She loved oral sex. She loved toys. In retrospect she seemed like an ideal fuck buddy. 

A few years later I was in college and she was in grad school (getting her Ph.D. in physics - I do attract some smart girls). I left her apartment after studying and hanging out for the afternoon. As I was about to drive away I saw her walking toward my car. I rolled down the window and she said "Maybe we should fuck sometime." I stammered out some lame reply, and drove away. Reasons: Privacy, shyness, inexperience, intimidated by her experience. 

Theresa was my college girlfriend. A very cute, petite, blond/blue reserved daddy's girl on the outside and a complete whore on the inside. She just loved sex. She gave, by far, the best blow jobs I've ever had. Sorry to say that no other woman has even come close. We broke up for whatever reasons 2-year college relationships end. A couple of years later I was dating someone else seriously, and she called me to meet for lunch. We'd had no contact for over a year, so it seemed odd. 

When we met it was clear that she was checking to see if we could get back together. When I told her about my situation she said simply "wanna go back to your place for a quickie?" I looked at her curiously and she said "I can be your girl on the side if you want." I told her I would think about it and get back to her. I did neither. Reason: Too respectable. (I recently connected with her via MySpace. She's doing well, still looks great, and we're having a good time catching up.)

I had a lab course in college where several of us shared a table for a semester. I can't remember her name (No-name Girl), but we got along fine. I liked her enough and was interested, but never got any sexual energy back from her. She had dark hair and blue eyes. She as good but not great looking with a decent body and slightly wide hips. My college had a pub on campus, and we'd occasionally go there before our lab. (Yes, looking back that was kind of stupid.)

One time after drinking too much me and three women were walking to our lab when NNG turned to me and said "Andy, will you take me home and fuck me?" One of the other two women immediately positioned herself between us and gave me a "don't you fucking dare" look. NNG was clearly drunk, and the other women become protective. I get why I didn't (and couldn't) fuck her right then, but I never followed up with her either. Reasons: shyness, privacy. 

For a while I worked at a small consulting company. We were very well known regionally, and got great projects from Fortune 100 companies. We had a fantastic rainmaker as a owner. We were doing some work for Hewlet Packard and several HP folks were in town to help us get their project done. There was one tiny woman I'll call Sharon. She was very attractive with modest sized boobs that looked huge on her tiny frame. She shot me glances all the time and flirted with me openly. One night we were all at a bar drinking. Out of the blue she got up, walked to the end of the table where I was, and sat in my lap! My co-workers looked at me and each other with a "what the fuck?" look since they all knew I was married. She whispered in my ear to come up to her room later. If she'd been even slightly discreet that might have happened. But it didn't. Reasons: Privacy, too respectable.

I'm pressed for time today. I have several others lost opportunities I'd like to write about. So check back in a day or two to see if I've added any more or embellished these some. I hate to post something hastily, but given my life right now it's this or nothing.

Back on (again)

I went to invite-only blog for a few days after another scare. It's now back up and open. I may make some changes this week to increase anonymity. My name and the name of my blog may change. Some history may change as well. If the URL for this blog changes (unsure right now) I will email everyone who has left a comment or emailed me to let them know. Just trying to be as safe as possible. 

Student is fine. She is still relatively safe, but not nearly as safe as I would like. She's had a couple of encounters with the Evil One, one of them bad. I can't begin to describe my level of anger and frustration that she is still getting hurt. Some of it is directed at her for not being careful enough, and maybe for allowing it to happen. 

The advocate said "sometimes getting hit is not the worst thing that can happen." She told me that she can't possibly explain to me what Student is going through, and I could not possibly understand. She understands that it's frustrating, but cautioned me to not tell Student what to do or how to act, which makes it even more frustrating. 

Things seem to be moving in the right direction, but progress is painfully slow. 

Safe(er)!

Student is now safe. She is out. She is free. 

To be more accurate, she is safer. 

She still feels him lurking - she's convinced he is going to find her. I was convinced he would not. There are coincidences - too may odd things are happening. He seems far too too selfish to put himself at risk. Any infraction should land him in jail. We're taking every step possible to make her feel safe. And yet she does not. And she may not be. 

She is going to need time to heal and get her head screwed on right. Far too many years of abuse, starting in childhood. She doesn't think like the rest of us. That brilliant mind is deluded - it can't differentiate blame from guilt or anger from violence. She'd rather get hit now than worry about it happening later. She has work to do. There is an amazing, bright, confident butterfly wrapped up in a cocoon of terror that needs to be set free.

He is going to experience what the system can deliver. Apparently it's going to be a slow, plodding process rather than swift justice. People guilty of far worse of gotten away with it. But many good people are angry and determined to see something done. In a system so overwhelmed with volume and mired in paperowork I fear things will be negotiated down to practically nothing. That may be enough to scare him off. 

Student was right all along. The advocate and I were wrong. We can not make her safe. We can not ensure he gets put away. We can not protect her all the time. Out of arrogance, outrage, and over-inflated sense of ourselves we were convincned, and convinced her, that she most of her concerns were unfounded. They were not and are not. 

Without a hint of shame I hope the miserable cocksucker experiences nothing but pain for the rest of his life.